Conversation with my mom.
(A factory in our town is being bought by a huge corporation from Bangkok.)
My mom: The Chinese are taking over everything.
Me: …I’m pretty sure Bangkok is in Thailand.
My mom: That can’t be right. I’m sure it’s in China.
Me: No, really. It’s the capital of Thailand.
My mom: ..Or maybe Vietnam.
Me: Seriously. Thailand. I can look it up and show you.
My mom: Oh.
My mom: I was thinking Vietnam because of that song.
My mom: It’s like. With a megaphone.
Me: How does it go?
My mom: I forget the words but it’s like (humming to the tune of NO SONG EVER) hhhhmmmm dumidumida mmmhmm mm mmm dum mmm.
My mom: You should look that up for me. Ask Siri.
Me: I should ask her what the song is that goes hhhhmmmm dumidumida mmmhmm mm mmm dum mmm?
My mom: Yes. With the megaphone.
Me: I’m on it, mom. I’m on it.
Conversations with my niece, age 5.
Her: I’m going to tell you a ghost story!
Her: There once was a big scary house full of ghosts!
Me: Oh man. Were they friendly ghosts?
Her: It was empty and then one day this family moved in because they were poor.
Her: And then the ghosts killed all the people.
Her: The end!
Me: So the moral of the story is: It sucks to be poor?
Conversations with my sister-in-law.
(The Botox moms at her daughter’s school can’t grasp why my SIL has half of her head shaved.)
Her: They all think I must be sick or suffering from some sort of trauma. Brain surgery maybe, a car accident.
Her: I’m like, would you like me to start with German punk rock? How far back in this explanation do you want me to go?
Her: I mean, bitches, I’m wearing a fucking Iron Maiden t-shirt and a flannel from the 90’s, why do you THINK I have my head shaved?
(Talking about the Shahs of Sunset, a reality t.v. show.)
Her: You know I love my gays, but the main guy with the mustache, I don’t like him much.
Me: I know, he’s not my favorite gay. It’s the giant pornstache, I think.
Her: Except he sort of looks like a young version of Saddam Hussein. He was pretty good looking when he was younger.
Her: That’s how I judge whether or not you were really that bad. If you were one of the beautiful people.
Me: I guess that makes sense. Sure he was a brutal dictator who was responsible for the deaths of hundreds of thousands of people. But at least he LOOKED good.