A Lesson On Generosity: How Nicki Minaj Just Outclassed Everyone

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It’s a strange time in America, I think most of us can agree. We’re currently being led by a megalomaniacal, pathologically lying shyster of an old man whose one accidentally true statement may have been that he doesn’t stand  behind anything. Clamoring and jostling just beneath him, we have a GOP-majority Congress running wild like … Read more

4 Ways To Tell if You’re a Crazy Pet Parent

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1. Your pet eats better than you do. I was halfway through filling out a ten-page questionnaire regarding my dog’s breeding, eating habits, medical history, allergies and disposition all aimed at creating the perfect personalized gourmet dogfood blend for him, when I realized it was possible I’d lost my mind. This particular company would take … Read more

Put down that weight and rest your arms.

I spend entire days contorting my body, Trying to see behind myself, the path that brought me here. Feeling delicately at the ground with pointed toes As if I could slip perfectly into snowdrift footsteps, never falter, stay within the lines winding back and back through time. But I’m a lumbering beast crashing through this … Read more

I’m Such A Woman, Or: Why Words Matter

Are other people as bothered by the weird little phrases that people use? For instance, some lady was saying “I’m such a woman, I can’t decide (insert whatever decision she needed to make here).” And part of me wants to reply “Oh lawdy, I’d give you advice but my uterus literally makes it impossible for … Read more

Lady Liberty, Weeping in the Dark

For a few hours last night, the Statue of Liberty was cloaked in darkness. Some saw it as a mere unremarkable power outage, others viewed it as painfully ironic social commentary sent straight from the heavens. The timing could not have been more apropos, coming on the eve of International Women’s Day as well as … Read more

Conversations With My Family

Conversation with my mom.   (A factory in our town is being bought by a huge corporation from Bangkok.)   My mom: The Chinese are taking over everything. Me: …I’m pretty sure Bangkok is in Thailand. My mom: That can’t be right. I’m sure it’s in China. Me: No, really. It’s the capital of Thailand. … Read more

Cry For Everything Bad That’s Ever Happened

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Less than a week ago the world ended. That’s how it feels. I am not being my usual hyperbolic self. It literally feels as if someone important to me died, as if everyone I love in this world simultaneously suffered a catastrophic disaster. I am enraged and I am mourning. I am hate and I … Read more

Seeing Satan in Every Sugar Skull

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This little group of women were complaining about Hallmark’s Día de Los Muertos sugar skull ornaments, saying they were creepy and “seemed Satanic.” Because I’m a loudmouth, non-business-of-my-own-minder, I had to jump in and explain to them what the holiday is really about. Because the idea of tiny angels leaving heaven for one night to … Read more

What We’re Teaching Our Sons and Our Daughters

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Every time I accidentally see the news or someone’s ridiculous protestations that Donald Trump isn’t so very bad, that song “I wasn’t born with enough middle fingers” gets stuck in my head. It seems he’s gone from insulting the looks of women who’ve come forward with accusations of his groping, wormy hands (as if being … Read more

5 Reasons Why Women Shouldn’t Serve in the Military

1. Woman have different hygienic needs. Not gonna lie, when I first heard guys claiming this, I was confused. What does it meannnn? I’m talking total Vegas blackout, Mike-Tyson’s-tiger-in-your-hotel-room level of confusion. However, I’ve since embraced it. What they’re referring to is the V. The vag. The vajayjay. The gorgina. Our girly parts. All kinds … Read more