1. Woman have different hygienic needs.
Not gonna lie, when I first heard guys claiming this, I was confused. What does it meannnn? I’m talking total Vegas blackout, Mike-Tyson’s-tiger-in-your-hotel-room level of confusion.
However, I’ve since embraced it.
What they’re referring to is the V. The vag. The vajayjay. The gorgina. Our girly parts.
All kinds of icky stuff comes out of there. Like urine. And babies. And blood.
Bleeders can’t be leaders, okay?
I’ve figured out that all of the other countries we are now or will ever be at odds with each have a secret vampire seer. This is a blind old guy they carry around and let out of his crypt each night, whereupon he delicately tastes the air with his shriveled tongue and, much like a shark, can pinpoint the location of even an ounce of blood within a 500 mile radius. So, see, if you have these women bleeding from their wherevers, he’s going to lead their troops right to us.
And you thought they were just chauvinists who couldn’t figure out where ladies bleed from. Pshh.
2. It hurts men’s egos.
Let’s face it. It’s hard being a guy. Especially a straight white guy in modern America. From the earliest days of preschool, studies show that males will dominate in classrooms. Not because they have higher IQs or get better grades, but just because that’s the way it is. Even in classes where girls and boys each spoke exactly 50% of the time, girls were felt to be talking too much, and even when teachers were aware of this phenomenon, they still unconsciously called on boys more often. So men are taught from a young age to speak their minds, that what they have to say is important and deserves to be heard.
And then you have the teachers who don’t do it unconsciously, the raging misogynists who probably should never be allowed around children and especially not girls. For instance, gym teachers who dote on meat-headed sports stars, who turn every class into a survival-of-the-fittest slog through hell and who patronize the girls in their classes for being weaker instead of planning activities that highlight their strengths and help them build a lifelong love of fitness.
I’m also reminded of stellar specimens like my American History teacher, a rigidly soulless man who delighted in making young women squirm by never allowing them to use the restroom during his class. He would have girls in tears, literally begging to be allowed to go pee. And he knew exactly the girls he could get away with doing it to, the ones who were terrified of getting in trouble, of having a dark mark in their permanent record. The ones who believed that myth. Not girls like me who would have peed all over his floor right there in front of everyone and then made him lick it up. But you could tell he went home at night and furiously masturbated over his sad little bit of power. He would have been just shocked to have his authority questioned. And he wouldn’t have wanted chicks in the military either.
Which gets us back to my original point, men and their delicate egos. The world has started to shift slowly to reflect reality. Which means that straight white males have been forced to tolerate first other races, then other sexualities. Now we’re trying to strip them of their last bit of superiority. We’re trying to taint their last bros before hos bastion with…with…vaginas! *shudder*
Basically, if God had wanted women to handle large weaponry, he would have given them penises. How are ladies supposed to learn to point and aim, a skillset that men are ingrained with from birth. Stop trying to take away the last thing men are better at than women!
3. Women are weak.
Just ask your mama. Or any woman who has endured ten months of pregnancy, watching her body swell and transform painfully like something out of a monster movie, culminating in an eight pound creature stretching you open and hurtling out of your delicate lady parts in a torrent of blood and goo.
Ask women who have gone through three bouts of breast cancer and the body-destroying treatments that accompany it, yet still are the primary caregivers for their families and even find time to go run and walk to raise funds so others might not suffer.
Ask the women in the compulsory Israeli Army, where women serve in every available role including open combat. Ask the women who have passed the US Marine Corps Infantry test, widely acknowledged as possibly the most grueling military test in existence.
It reminds me of the recent non-news “news” event where Hillary Clinton collapsed while attending a 9/11 memorial ceremony. Her momentary weakness sparked all sorts of wacko conspiracy theories from brain tumors to epilepsy and had people laying bets on her successor before the lady could even be elected. While to me, what actually happened made perfect sense. However you feel about Hillary, if you’re a woman you have to recognize yourself in her actions that day. Who among us has not had pneumonia or the flu or some other illness that we really should have stayed in bed for, except that’s not what chicks DO. We have responsibilities that no one else is going to magically swoop in and take care of. So we force ourselves up and we do what we must. And sometimes we overestimate our own ability and we stumble. But I guarantee if Hillary had NOT shown up that day, especially considering the occasion, she would have been ostracized and called everything from a godless Muslim supporter to a traitor who hates America.
I will give you that women in general do have less size, muscle mass and sheer brute strength than the average man. However, there are women who are willing to push their bodies to the extremes of excellence in order to be included. Additionally, while physical strength and fitness are important, women bring other skills like negotiating to the table that can make them priceless assets to a team.
4. They’re tempting men to have sex with them.
My other favorite version of this is that women only join the military to hook up with a guy and find a husband.
Which, duh, is the only reason I would join. Buff dudes with government benefits? Count me in, baby.
You might be thinking, “Wait, wait, wait!” Most women are not going to go through months of humiliating and torturous training, being belittled by fellow recruits and their superiors alike, only for the chance to snag some jarhead in bed.
You also might have heard about the appallingly high instances of rape in the military. You might have even heard whispers about male on male rape. You might have heard how reporting your assault can get you in more trouble than the perpetrator. You might have heard how unlikely it is for a rapist to ever be tried, convicted or given anything but a high-five from other dudes. Hell, it’s like that out here in the real world too, just magnified behind the camo wall.
Having heard all that, you might think “Wow, why would a woman subject herself to these things at all unless she truly wanted to serve and protect her country?”
You’re obviously just underestimating the sluttiness of women and the lengths to which they’re willing to go to snag a man.
5. No one should be drafted into the military, period.
This is really what prompted this post. There’s been much talk lately about adding women to the draft. All of the above reasons are ones I’ve heard touted more than once as to why women shouldn’t be drafted, and really shouldn’t be in the armed forces at all.
Along with other genius-level arguments, including that if women aren’t included in the draft, they should also not be allowed to vote. Or drive.
I’ve heard that women are too delicate and their psyches would be shattered by being forced to kill and witness carnage. As if our male veterans are not likewise shattered. As if any humans, outside of pure psychopaths, are somehow mentally prepared for such atrocities.
I’ve heard that women are more susceptible to being captured, tortured and raped, as if this does not already happen to our men. I’ve been told this is all those dumb feminists fault. They insist on being equal and now they get to be equally dead!
The reality is that no one should be forced to fight or kill against their will, for a cause they don’t believe in. In my mind, this is as much a practical matter as one of philosophy. Do you really want training and weapons in the hands of a bunch of people who resent those forcing them to fight? In what world would that end well?
More personally, the draft almost caused me not to exist. My dad was drafted during the Vietnam War. Already dating my mom during high school, they immediately started plotting and planning. Should they make a break for Canada, as so many were at the time? Could they leave their families and everything they loved behind, not knowing if they’d ever be able to return?
In the end, my dad made the scary trek down to the draft office. My dad, who was not my dad then, but just some skinny scared young boy. He was just on the cusp of possibility, of maybe making a future for himself, of maybe being with his true love, of so many struggles yet to come.
His bad feet saved him. This is the one instance where being dirt poor ever caused anything good to happen to him. He grew up so poor he could not afford shoes. He was actually kicked out of school for this very reason. But in his young life, he’d walked probably hundreds of miles completely barefoot, on city streets and gravel roads and icy creeks. The result was feet so torn up and damaged that the Army doctor took one look at them, shook his head and told my dad to get out. My dad, who was not yet my dad, his bad feet saved me too.
But that’s the problem with the draft. It isn’t the sons and daughters of the elite, the war-makers, the ones who benefit from all this chaos, it isn’t they who will be swooped up into the military and used as cannon fodder. No, the children of the rich will be hidden away in the ivory towers of universities, in diplomatic jobs, in cushy offices.
The good little worker ants, the insignificant ones down here on the ground will always be the ones with no choice. That isn’t equality. That’s nepotism. That’s murder.
The problem our government is going to run into, though, is there’s only so far you can push around people who already have nothing to lose. I think women, especially, when backed into a corner and forced against their will, are going to turn and fight.
We might not win, but we will take you down with us.
So if you do want women in the military? It had better be on our own terms, of our own volition, or not at all.